Growing up with OCD tendencies, everything had to be perfect. Handwriting was small and neat; Books, folders, clothes and shoes were color-coded; I kept the halachot I was taught to the T. But perfection, for me, included heterosexuality, because that’s what everyone I was raised with believed was part of being normal and good. Figuring out that that is not who I am was difficult because of how I was raised and what I was led to believe, but also because it meant I was no longer as perfect as I could be.
Being bisexual is not something I could ever change. It’s part of who I am. It’s definitely something that I tried to ignore for a long time, and sometimes hated. I saw it as a flaw, and flaws were unacceptable.
Coming to terms with who I am took time. Finally coming out to myself was terrifying, and deciding to come out to a friend for the first time was even worse. I knew who I was, even if it felt flawed, but nobody else knew yet and coming out made it more real. Being accepted by my friends really helped me along on the journey to realizing that being bisexual isn’t another blemish on an already imperfect human, but rather it makes me who I am.
Thankfully, I have overcome the part of me that saw my sexuality as an imperfection. I still get up from my bed multiple times at night to make sure that the door in the kitchen, that leads to the stairs, is fully closed. I still can’t put my negel vasser down by my bed if any of the water from the kvort has spilled into the shissel. And I will still rip out notes and start over because of a small mistake. OCD and LGBT aren’t friends in the world we live in. But they’re both a part of me. And here I am.