I am asexual. I kept a journal in seminary in an effort to keep track of my sense of self. This is an entry from 2017 with commentary from today, almost exactly two years later.
November 20, 2017
November 14, 2019
If I am to get married to a guy in the near future, how the heck is that to come about?
At this point, I was well aware that my options were not so limited, so why specifically a guy? And why did I use the word “guy” instead of “man”? Even now, I remain a mystery to myself.
I probably won’t “enter the shidduch market” with all its rules and resumes.
I like rules and resumes. They mitigate the mess of figuring out whether a couple is compatible. Humans are complicated creatures, but their defining characteristics can probably be described in a diagram or two. There are plenty of algorithms around that are specifically meant for use on diagrams. If only matters of the heart were so simple.
It’ll be a guy my family or friends know, or meet somewhere (how? I’m going to an all-womens’ college), or know already (nahhhh).
I did actually run through the list of boys I know in my age group, comparing their merits as potential partners, like a chef would choose the best beverage to accompany a particular dish. I ran through the list of girls, too. This was a more complicated matter, since the list was considerably longer and contained people in whom I was heavily emotionally invested. Even so, none of them appealed to me particularly, in a way that I could not quite understand. I tried again, with lower standards. And again. Again. Again.
I go on a date with this guy. I’ll find it impossible to get into a romantic frame of mind. I’ll become good friends with him, but that’s all…
That’s all? That’s all?! I think a close platonic relationship has potential to become a better primary life relationship than one of a solely romantic or sexual nature. My friends are worthy of enormous investments of my time, energy, and brainspace. If I friendzone you, consider it the highest of honors.
I always say “if I get married” because of the focus on romance and sex within a “traditional” marriage, but I really do want to. I want to build a life and a home and a family with a special person. It’s just the way this person is special to me is a little different than people might expect.
I sound like Artemis Fowl, “I’ll need to do some research on romance…the subject is unfamiliar to me…”
The original quote is about friendship – “I’ve had little experience in this area, so I may have to read up on it.” Artemis Fowl is the titular character in a series of children’s novels, who starts as a crime lord and ends as a techno-vigilante. He’s a cold, calculating genius who always seems to end up antagonizing someone or another, and even when he reforms, he struggles to be an anti-hero at best. Of course, he has no social skills, which leads to many a comedic moment at his expense based on his inability to deal with his feelings.
Now at the risk of typecasting myself, I may not be the most empathetic person, or have the best grasp on morality, or understand societal constructs and scripts, or be in touch with my own desires, or be entirely sold on any endeavor whose ultimate goal is not to increase knowledge, or be able to express myself openly, or…where was I going with this? I know I had a point. Something about stereotypes, I think.
Why are they making us consider this stuff at 18, 19 years old? It’s ridiculous.
Some people are ready, I guess, or they think they are. Some people already know what they want and how they want it and who they want it with. Some people know what assumptions they want others to make about them, and whether they want those assumptions to be correct. Some people know how to look and sound and act like normal human beings.
Some people are shuffled into the pipeline before they realize there is more. Some people are pruned like trees, like little bonsai trees grown over decades to adorn a garden.
The distance I keep from everything that defines me is liberating, in a way. I live my life with my eyes and options open.
I’m just tired of waiting, I guess.